When The Wild Life Betrays Me
by jackwabbit
Summary: Sam Has A Bad Night. Sam POV after an…encounter. JS.


**When The Wild Life Betrays Me**

Rated: PG-13 for language, mature subject matter

Category: Angst

Season: Any, Probably Pre-'Grace'

Spoilers: None

Summary: Sam POV after an…encounter…

Note: To those non-Parrotheads out there, Jimmy Buffett has an album called 'Riddles in the Sand'. It's not a happy album, but it's a good one. A while back, I realized just how many songs on said album could be applied to my favorite sci-fi 'couple', Sam and Jack. So, a self challenge to write a story for each song on the album ensued. The is the second. Not a song fic.

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"When the wild life betrays me, and I'm too far from home,

Will you be there to save me? Will you shelter my heart 'til I'm strong?"

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Oh, that my father could see me now. His little girl nestled up with what is essentially a stranger. A handsome stranger, but a stranger nonetheless. I try not to think about that as I curl into him on this cold winter night. His skin is warm and the bed comfortable, and sometimes that's just too much to pass up. I'm a living, breathing woman, for God's sake. An actual member of the human race. Not some unfeeling automaton belonging to the United States Air Force. Not a computer meant only to solve problems. I'm a human being, and human beings sometimes need to feel the touch of another human being. Skin to skin.

So, when a handsome man approached me in a bar for a drink earlier, I accepted. I needed to feel normal-just a woman flirting. Innocent enough. But when it became clear that this particular handsome man was looking for more than a few drinks, I couldn't help but be flattered. And excited. It felt good to be wanted, as a woman. Not as a major, not as a brain, but as a woman. It felt good to be sexual. God knows it's been far too long for me anyway. Sure, I catch the occasional too long glance from an airman, but I can't live on glances alone. If I could, hell, Jack could keep me satisfied for life.

Jack. The Colonel. My CO. SHIT.

Jack.

Why did I have to think of him now? Jesus, why did I have to think at all? Why can't I just go with this? I just spent a nice evening out with someone who didn't expect me to think, and it was great. No decisions for once. A few drinks, some dancing, and then a short trip to a hotel-I didn't have to think about any of it, which is probably good because I know it wasn't the safest thing to do. God, it was nice to escape my life for a while, though. And the last hour, well, again, it's been too long. My stranger knew what he was doing, and I reveled in the abandon of the most human of all acts, no thought involved.

But now…now my brain won't turn off, and only one thought is bouncing around my skull like a crazy ball.

Jack…jack…jackjackjackjackjack…SHIT!

Suddenly the light sweat on the body next to me isn't enticing, like it was only minutes ago, but sticky and repugnant. The smell of sex isn't exotic, but nauseating. I know my stranger probably doesn't mind, but I'm angry with myself because I used him. Used another person just to try to fill a void in myself that can't be filled. Not until I decide what I really want in my life. Not until I decide WHO I really want in my life.

The warm bed is tempting, but despite the light buzz still fogging my brain, I know I won't sleep anytime soon. I'm too angry at myself for my actions tonight, my inaction in general, and the fact that this isn't my first time to be in this situation. Not by a long shot.

So, reluctantly I slide from the covers. As my feet hit the cold tile floor of the bathroom to dress, I'm suddenly fully awake and sober. The mirror reflects back at me and my own face seems to mock me. I realize that this happens every time I give into my wilder side, my darker desires. I stare at myself and hate what I see. A woman who is so hung up on someone she can't have that she won't take a chance on anything real with anyone else-she only uses strangers, like the one in the bed, to fulfill the desires she has but can't act on. A woman who hates the loneliness but is too afraid to try to change it.

I dress quietly and slip from the room while my stranger sleeps or at least pretends to.

My speed dial assures that a cab will be coming, and as I wait in the cold, once again I'm reminded of how this never works. I try to lose myself in anything, or anyone, else, but always I come back to reality. To him. To Jack. The wild life always betrays me.


End file.
